There are just those moments when I question my credibility. I don't know, sometimes I feel frustrated I haven't exactly followed the 'normal' path. I could have graduated years ago with a degree in Literature and I could have landed a job somewhere in Iloilo. It was never meant to be.
I mean, really? Undergraduate and unemployed for a long, long time? There are times when I honestly feel jealous of the people whose successes are measured the traditional way (a diploma, a career and a regular salary). I do not undermine their situations, I just sometimes wonder what if I chose that kind of stability? What if I achieve owning a property and a car by working with the stability of a regular paycheck?
They say I'm lucky and I really am, to tell you. And not without gratitude. They always see the positive results of my being shamelessly lucky. I secretly feel uncomfortable with the dependence on luck and the generosity of the people who love me. I am grateful for the occasional shortcuts, do not get me wrong. There are really times that I do not have to go through the extra miles and the extra lengths to get to where I want to be and to do what I want to do.. But independence and hardwork are two things which make the fruits taste so sweet. I cannot always rely on these awesome shortcuts. I will be honest, the sense of fulfillment is different when I work towards reaching it. The good values are heightened and deepened.
Yes, I'm a good person, generally speaking and being one does gain points and favors in this dog-eat-dog world. But... I don't want my security to be limited to or to be based on that aspect of being a good person alone. I am strangely insecure where it does not and should not even count. Because the very nature of my dreams and choices have always been and will always be -- unorthodox.
So. For my life to be effective, the Universe apparently designed my blueprint with hints of 'insanity' and diskarte. Sometimes, people ask me about the nature of my 'work'. If I were to answer as honestly and as simply as I could, I’d say it’s quite similar to the nature of my dreams. There has to be imagination, creativity and that strange yearning for movement in any form.
I have my family, few good friends and few true-blue-honest-to-goodness-artists I've worked with who could probably attest to that ounce of truth that I have THE potential. I would have to consciously stop the fear from growing - the fear of being unable to deliver. Or else I would have a thousand imagined reasons to break my heart.
I don't like being mediocre, being stuck and not growing (artistically speaking). A note to myself: It's a matter of good stewardship.
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